Will Daddy's Cancer Come Back?

Will Daddy’s Cancer Come Back?

While I was away on a trip for work this week, my daughter asked my wife if my cancer would come back. She must have heard my wife and I talking about my next set of scans. They are coming up on April 18th. I fully expect these scans to be clean. This date does not stand out in my mind like January 10th did. While I was waiting for that date, I could not see beyond it. I see April 14th as a routine check-up (if there is such a thing given what they are looking for).

Anyway, unlike Middle East politics and whatever else I may ramble about in this space, helping kids deal with their parent’s cancer is something I do know about. One thing I found early on was this great book written by Kathleen McCue, How to Help Children Through a Parent’s Serious Illness (click). The book deals with kids of all different ages and parents at different stages of disease. This book was a life savior during the worst of this crisis.

There are several points that came out from this book. The first is that you need to be honest. Do not try to hide what is going on. Your kids are part of your family and are part of what is going on. They are going to pick up that something big is happening. If you do not talk to them, they are going to assume that they are at fault. The second is to give them accurate information at a level they can understand. Do not tell them everything will be OK when you don’t know that it will. But also, don’t extrapolate the worst either. If things are unknown, tell them that you don’t know what will happen. Also, do not give them more information than they can handle. Let them know that you will answer any questions that they have. The final point is that they need to know that their needs are going to be met no matter what. They still need to play with their friends, go to soccer, etc. They need to know that their lives will continue no matter what happens. Both my kids handled the situation differently. But, for both of them, we made sure that they maintained a normal schedule.

My daughter is a lot like me. There is a line from Top Gun about Maverick that applies to her, ‘She is just like her father, only better. And worse.' She occasionally worries about the situation and always has a lot of questions. We do our best to answer her questions. The current answer is we think daddy will be OK, because that is indeed what we think. I am very happy that she when has concerns she feels comfortable enough to talk to us about them.

My son is different. He has not really asked about the situation. So, we don’t talk to him about it that much. His response when we told him about the surgery was to ask for more ice cream. I did not think he knew what was going on at all. Then, a couple of months ago, he and my daughter were playing house. My daughter said he should be the daddy. He told here there was no daddy. The daddy was dead. I then knew he was aware of a lot more than we thought. But, he has not said anything since.

I don’t know if this makes sense or not. But, God forbid, if anybody reading this ends up in a similar situation I have two recommendations First, get that book. Second, realize that your kids are stronger than you think. I have never been prouder of my two kids.

On similar note, here are some comments if you know someone who is dealing with a major health crisis. Do let them know that your are thinking about them. Ask them if there is anything you can do. Do not tell them what to do and not to do. And, my all time favorite, do not tell them that you could die tomorrow too because you might be hit by a truck. I heard that one a lot. I always thought the same thing. You can look before you cross the street, jackass. Sorry, but I did not want advice from healthy people. The only people I would take advice and criticism from were other people who had cancer. It was my issue and my fault. Everyone had my interests at heart. But my issues are my reality.