Faith and Fear
It's funny. One thing I find myself doing is e-mailing all sorts of different people. I probably bug the crap out of them. If you gave me your e-mail, you probably found out that I will use it:) But it is nice to see something in my inbox that does not have [KIDNEY-ONC] as a return address. I also am spending a lot of time building this blog. The one thing I cannot find the focus to do anymore is create thermodynamic computer simulations, the one thing I do as well as anyone, anywhere. Life was much easier when I thought I had all the answers. Hell, I was not even asking the right questions.
Faith
Another thing I have found myself guilty of is ignoring my faith. I treated it as a T-shirt. I took it out when it suited me; when it was time to get married, get the kids baptized, find a school for the kids, etc. I would go to church on Sunday and then put it out of my mind until next week. I know now that I need to work God's will into every aspect of my life. That is another lesson I learned. I need to treat everyone with respect, not just my circle of friends.
There was a full moon last night. It was beautiful. It is one thing that every human who has ever lived anywhere has been able to enjoy. It is a real work of art, not a destination.
Fear
My anxiety level is slowly creeping up. Maybe it is because I am getting close to the day that they originally wanted to do the next round of tests. I put them off until after the holidays. Was that a mistake? What are the masses that are showing up in my chest? They were stable between the last two scans. Was ten weeks enough time between the two scans to make sense of anything? They tell me that there is no effective adjunct treatment for kidney cancer, no chemo no radiation. So we watch and wait. In a weird way it was less stressful (but more depressing) when the prognosis was so poor. Nothing to do but meet the lawyer to get the will in order. Now my emotions are all over the map. Maybe this is what it is like to be female.
I can't give into the fear, I have to stay positive. What would xxxxx do?
Faith
Another thing I have found myself guilty of is ignoring my faith. I treated it as a T-shirt. I took it out when it suited me; when it was time to get married, get the kids baptized, find a school for the kids, etc. I would go to church on Sunday and then put it out of my mind until next week. I know now that I need to work God's will into every aspect of my life. That is another lesson I learned. I need to treat everyone with respect, not just my circle of friends.
There was a full moon last night. It was beautiful. It is one thing that every human who has ever lived anywhere has been able to enjoy. It is a real work of art, not a destination.
Fear
My anxiety level is slowly creeping up. Maybe it is because I am getting close to the day that they originally wanted to do the next round of tests. I put them off until after the holidays. Was that a mistake? What are the masses that are showing up in my chest? They were stable between the last two scans. Was ten weeks enough time between the two scans to make sense of anything? They tell me that there is no effective adjunct treatment for kidney cancer, no chemo no radiation. So we watch and wait. In a weird way it was less stressful (but more depressing) when the prognosis was so poor. Nothing to do but meet the lawyer to get the will in order. Now my emotions are all over the map. Maybe this is what it is like to be female.
I can't give into the fear, I have to stay positive. What would xxxxx do?
posted by cheesie_67 at 7:25 PM
4 Comments:
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Hang in there, brother. I got sideswiped by an 11 cm tumor in what was left of my left kidney a year ago, had it out over the holidays ("Raise a glass to the New Year!"), but we carry on.
Had metastases to my lungs, but they have shown shrinkage, virtual disappearance, and I hope the scan next week confirms they've vaprized. But yeah, I fight the demons - want to hang on to this life, my wife, kids, all of it... even the bozos at work.
Keep that sense of humor in gear, think positive, and I'll be sending good karma your way...
peace...
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I'm honestly feeling your progression here. This is an amazingly insightful blog!
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